This Is War
by Impassive Tears
Summary: "I hate you, so much." Craig taunts Tweek, triggering the start of a brutal, bloody, dangerous...prank battle. Game on.
1. Tweek Takes The Leave

**Track: Overdrive [] ****Warnings: swearing, boyxboy relations [] Quote: "Alls fair in love and hate" []**

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Tweek smiled, sneaking a peek from the doorway he lingered in. Craig had just gotten in, and was hanging up his coat and key. Very slowly, Tweek began to tiptoe away, one step at a time, his heart thudding as he did his best not to make a single sound.

"Tweek?" Tweek slid inside the TV cabinet, grateful, for that moment, that he was so small and the storage likewise. He heard footsteps coming into the living room, and squeezed his eyes shut, biting his lip and exhaling only through his nose. "Tweek, I'm home."

He heard Craig walk out the room, and into the bedroom, where Tweek had hidden every single item he had ever owned. It was like the boy had never been there. Silence. Then, "What the fuck? Tweek? TWEEK?" The footsteps became louder, but Tweek figured it wasn't because he was in closer range, and faster.

"No, no, no, fuck. Tweek?" Tweek could hear Craig pacing around the apartment, his voice ringing through the walls in desperate and angry tones. He heard Craig come back into the living room, and grinned. Craig had suffered enough. One. Two. Three.

He slowly and quietly climbed out of the cabinet, gently closing the door behind him. Craig was bent over the coffee table, reading the false "I'm leaving" note Tweek had left behind. Tweek waited, again. One. Two. Three. He jumped, leaping onto Craig and bringing him down to the floor with a clash.

Craig gave a masculine scream, or rather, that was what Tweek reassured him it sounded like later, before realising it was just his twitchy, asshole boyfriend. Craig glared at him, pulling both of them up and grabbing Tweek's arms. "I thought you were gone. What the fuck was that?" Craig growled, digging his nails in, but they were blunt; he would never intentionally hurt Tweek to a high scale degree.

Tweek giggled. "Um, prank number one?" He suggested, smirking. Craig's rage-filled expression dropped and he gave Tweek a blank stare, his eyelids drooping. Though, it was really Craig's own fault. Just the other day, he had taunted Tweek about his incapability of pranking people after a failed scare. Tweek was determined to prove his boyfriend wrong, at all costs.

"That was really fucking dumb. Anyone could have thought of a prank better than that." Craig rolled his eyes, and Tweek's smile dropped. Well, at least that was only the beginning of his prank daily franchise. Just, Craig didn't know that. Craig let go of Tweek, and pulled him into a hug, kissing him fiercely afterwards.

"Good thing I love you." Tweek's head tilted. "Or I would have dumped your ass." Tweek shook his head, Craig would never leave him, even if he wasn't in love with him. They were just inseparable, co-dependant. Then again, that may have defined love right there, but whatever. Craig would never dump him for a prank.

Tweek just never accounted for the thought Craig would fight back.

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**AN: If serendipityrain711 is reading this, I just want to say sorry for the delay in her requested story, Butters' very own mission. It's considerably longer since it's the last chapter, so it's taking me a while.**


	2. The Pig Died

**Track: I hate you by Sick Puppies [] Warnings: swearing, boyxboy relations [] Quote: "This is pretty fucked up right here." []**

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When Craig and Tweek moved in together, 2 years after proposing their attraction to the other, or rather, snogged each other's brains out at a party, it was a mutual shop when they purchased one Stripe the third. Stripe and Stripe II had been very close to Craig in his childhood and, naturally, Tweek too.

Craig snuck a look at where Stripe had been stashed at the extra cage, hidden underneath his desk. "Tweek, can you feed Stripe, please?" Tweek was cruel yesterday, pretending to leave him, then scaring the shit out of him. Tweek needed a taste of his own medicine.

Tweek nodded to himself and paused the TV, getting up and walking to the cage as he hummed to himself. He grabbed the food lying next to it before he froze. Tweek screamed.

"What? What's wrong?" Craig asked, walking in, before catching sight of the stuffed Guinea pig, covered with ketchup. He was glad being stoic wasn't the only façade he mastered in Drama class.

"Stripe died! S-something g-got to it!" Tweek cried, drawing blood on his lips as he stared at guinea pig bloodbath central, distraught.

"Maybe the underpants gnomes got to it." Craig threw out there, trying to look as worried and upset as Tweek was at the demise of the stuffed pet.

"AAHHHHHH!" Tweek screamed, and Craig pursed his lips, trying not to laugh. "We gotta barricade ourselves in the bedroom! Come on, Craig!" He wailed, grabbing Craig's arm and beginning to make for the door. As tempting as it was being shut in with an emotional,_ vulnerable _Tweek in a private room...

A hint of a smile twitched at Craig's lips. "It's a toy, Tweek. Gnomes didn't do shit. Stripe's in the study, moron." Craig rolled his eyes. Tweek's mouth fell open, and he moved away, grabbing a cushion.

"What's that for – OW!"

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**AN: Two reviews. **


	3. Honey, I made you a sandwich

"Tweek, can you get me a sandwich?" Craig called from the computer, playing some video game. Tweek suspected it was World of Warcraft, and it was worrying he knew that just from the sounds emitting from the system, as he never played the thing. Craig spent most of his days on the virtual action, and often gave Tweek the demeaning role of his slave, fetching him food and items when he so needed them. Craig was just asking for it. Plus, Craig had been downright evil yesterday.

Tweek nodded, as though Craig was looking at him – fat chance of that – and headed to the Kitchen, setting aside everything he needed for Craig's sandwich. Bread, mayo, bacon, chicken…sugar, grinded chilli, a garlic clove, coffee beans, a drizzle of yoghurt, a ball of lint Tweek had collected from the Bermuda triangle of Craig's pocket… Yeah, that'd do it. Tweek plated his creation, making sure the sugar, yoghurt and chilli was hidden in the mayo, with the rest stuck between the layers of chicken and bacon.

"Here you go, honey." Tweek said sweetly, tilting his head as he smiled sadistically, taking a few steps back and watching as Craig picked up the sandwich with one hand, barely casting a glance of it, and took a massive bite out of it. Silence.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Craig yelled, spitting it out everywhere, even on his beloved World of Warcraft, splattering it on the screen. He turned around, and gave Tweek a murderous glare, solemnly flipping him off. One. Two. Three. The chilli kicked in. He rushed out of his seat, running to the sink and drinking from the tap. Tweek watched, laughing.

"I hate you, so much." Craig spat, wiping his mouth with his sleeve and walking towards Tweek. The blonde just shrugged, trying to eradicate his hysteria. He couldn't hold it in; he burst out with more uncontrollable laughs, along with the occasional snort.

"Tweek was cut off with an "mmph" as Craig roughly attached his lips to his, confused as to why Craig would be kissing him after he was, admittedly, so cruel. His lips parted submissively, and Craig's tongue slipped in. _Shit._ Tweek pulled away, flailing his arms at the taste of the rotten sandwich, not to mention the meat contained inside - he was a vegetarian.

Tweek shoved Craig out of the way, rushing to get a glass of water. Craig gave a short, nasal laugh behind him, before retreating back to his computer, treating Tweek to the pleasant sounds of his cursing as he wiped away the mess.

Tweek sipped at the water, then spat it out. Craig wouldn't know what was coming for him next time.

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**Two reviews.**


	4. Pop Pop Pop

Craig grinned, sticking up the Party Poppers at the top of the doorframe, attaching the strings to the handle. Then he realised, he was stuck inside. At least until Tweek came in. He sighed, and looked for a place to hide and watch. He wasn't as small as agile as his boyfriend, so he just slumped onto the bed. Besides, Tweek wouldn't see Craig until it was too late.

Craig bit back a smile, thinking of the war he and Tweek had been engaged in recently. It was always fun – when it wasn't him getting pranked, of course. He heard a noise. Fuck, Tweek's home. He stayed deathly silent. Tweek was just coming back from his job at the local Café, serving as a waiter, but expected Craig to be out with his own colleagues.

Craig heard Tweek grumble, "Nngh, w-would it hurt for him to clean up for once?" and Craig rolled his eyes, slamming a hand over his mouth to make sure no sounds would emit. Tweek started humming, a habit of his, and the footsteps got gradually closer. Craig scratched at the rough denim on his legs, impatient. The door handle turned, the door opened.

_POP POP POP POP POP POP POP_

"Ahhhhhh!" Tweek screamed, taking his hands to his ears and ducking to the ground as if it was the fire alarm. Craig got up but then collapsed again, laughing hysterically and clutching his stomach. Tweek looked up and glared, picking up a streamer and tossing it away from him. "Craig!" Tweek cried, pouncing on him and wrestling him to the bed, half-heartedly beating his fists against his chest.

"Revenge is best served with a pop, bitch." Craig grinned, and Tweek hit him in the arm. Hard.

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**Two reviews.**


	5. The Other Man

Tweek grinned as he poured out the outfit he had bought at the mall just an hour ago. He quickly sprayed the cologne his Mom got him last Christmas, the one he never used, onto the outfit, then stashed the bottle and bag away. He remembered what the site told him to do… Put shoes by the door!

He grabbed the boots, making sure there were no stickers or anything suspicious on them, and placed them by the door. He hung up the coat as well, checking there were no tags. Blushing, he took off everything but his boxers, laying them by the bed. Finallly, he dropped the outfit on the floor as well, and giggled, sliding into bed with the dummy he had borrowed from Clyde. Oh, Clyde.

_Craig's on his way lol. Tell me what happens dude._ Tweek smiled, ducking under the covers. He connected his phone to the hidden camera in the hall. He was lucky Craig was a master in technology, and naturally taught Tweek a few things. The front door clicked. Tweek looked dpwn at the screen, snuggling into the doll.

_Craig enters, shutting the door behind him. He drops his key on the floor, before freezing up and staring at the boots, yanking them up. They were too big to fit his boyfriend, way too big. They definitely weren't his. His eyes catch on the coat, and the stench of the cologne fills his nose. He takes off his coat, and curls his fists, heading down the corridor into their open bedroom._

Tweek let out a few purposeful moans and giggles, hearing Craig charge. Craig burst in, and his grey eyes immediately fell on the dummy. "It's not what you think!" Tweek screamed, just as Craig literally dived onto the bed, ripping the covers off furiously and pummelling the dummy into the mattress. Tweek began to laugh hysterically as Craig leant away in confusion, realising it was just a prank, and he was just hitting plastic, not an asshole.

He glared at Tweek, pinning him to the headboard as Tweek quieted, smiling charmingly at him. Craig shook his head, looking down and chuckling despite himself. Tweek laughed again. Then, Craig looked back up and Tweek stroked his cheek affectionately. "Don't you ever think about doing that again…that- that scared the shit out of me, Tweek." Craig admitted, and Tweek shrugged.

"You r-really think I would cheat on you?" Craig sighed.

"I didn't know what to think! Apart from the fact I was going to fucking murder whoever was in that bed." He said solemnly, and Tweek gave him a pout as the noirette began to lay loving kisses on his face. Craig moved away, getting off the bed and kicking the fake outfit with a growl.

"I love you." Tweek cooed as Craig walked out the room, flipping him off with a "yeah, whatever". Tweek grinned, curling up in the covers and putting the doll back in place. Not that he would ever tell Craig, but it made a _much _better cuddle buddy.

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**Review. Damn, Tweek's a bitch. I remember once, a friend of mine locked her bedroom door while I went to the bathroom then pretended to have a phone call with her "new best friend" because I was "really annoying". I felt like she was cheating on me.**


	6. Dude, Where's My Car

_Clyde, can you tell Craig he urgently needs to pick something up at work? It's for a prank :c_

_Yeah, okay. X)_

Tweek put his phone back on his pocket, keeping one eye on his boyfriend as he went back to scrolling on Tumblr. Craig's phone suddenly beeped, and Tweek didn't stir, knowing who it was. Craig frowned, taking out his own IPhone and reading it.

"I got to go pick something up." Craig groaned, getting up. He walked past Tweek, getting out his keys, and Tweek grabbed his wrist. He looked at the blonde, confused, before smirking and leaning in to kiss Tweek on the lips briefly. Tweek smiled, releasing him.

"Thank you." He rolled his eyes, watching Craig nod and head out the room. His eyes flickered back to the screen, quickly reblogging and liking a Troyler post, and trying not to scream over it. Five minutes later, and a few more reposts, Craig was back, looking panicked. Tweek raised a brow. "What's wrong?"

Craig combed his fingers through his hair, the sound of his swallow almost tangible. "The car has been stolen." He burst out, somehow in a calm tone. Tweek's eyes widened, sitting up on his knees. Craig gnawed at his lip. "It was there this morning…Fuck, we can call insurance…I guess? What little shit did this to me?" He demanded, as if Tweek knew the answers. Well, he did, as a matter of fact.

That morning, Tweek had thiefed Craig's keys from the bedside table at 6am, grateful he was a night owl, and sped away in Craig's car, parking it outside 24/7 DIY store. It was then only a case of getting back in time to put back the keys, which he succeeded in doing.

"Shit, Clyde said it's the annual data!" Craig clenched his fists. Tweek didn't even flinch. "I'm going to lose my fucking job, Tweek!" Tweek couldn't stand it anymore, losing it at Craig's hysteria. He burst into giggles, causing Craig's eyes to narrow, already knowing what he occurred.

"Fuck you, Tweek." He swore, grinding his teeth. "There wasn't anything to pick up, was there?" Tweek shook his head, smiling, Craig gave him a blank stare before huffing and kicking off his shoes, retreating back to his original spot on the coach. "You had better drive that car back here, Tweek." Tweek shrugged, but nodded.

"And don't give me a heart attack next time." Craig glared. Tweek grinned, and reblogged another picture.


	7. Honey, I have an STD

**Sorry, but I'm going on a long-term hiatus with this. I'm a bit busy nowadays…  
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"Craig, have you been sleeping around?" Tweek asked in an even tone, doing his best not to wipe off his act already. Craig spun around in his chair, and looked up, his eyes narrowing at the blonde standing in the hallway.

"No." Craig deadpanned, flipping him off. Tweek crossed his arms, pinching at the pale skin where Craig couldn't see to make himself wince and tear up a bit.

"Oh, well I've got a-an STD." Tweek uneasily told him. The look on Craig's face was priceless as he jumped up, almost slamming into Tweek as he grabbed his wrists, staring at him.

"That's not possible – I mean, how? What did you…Have _you _been sleeping around?" Craig glared, releasing him. Tweek gasped quietly - that had backfired.

"No! How could you…" Tweek trailed off, considering he had been the one to make an accusation first. "I don't know, something happened and now – now I'm sick." Tweek had no idea if that could actually happen, but at least Craig didn't, either.

"I…" Craig took his hands again. "You'll be okay, though?" Craig pushed his hair back with his free hand, because it only took one to cup Tweek's small pair.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Just, I can't have sex anymore." Tweek lied, and _then _Craig's face was priceless.

"But, no, fuck, just –" Craig cut himself off, not wanting to seem like an ass. "What even is it? I mean…What are you, going on meds or-"

Tweek smiled, unable to hold it in anymore. "Nope," He shook his head. "Just giving youa taste of _your_ medicine." He grinned and Craig's mouth dropped open.

"….That was a prank?" Craig asked dumbly, letting go. He smirked again, and his eyes glinted. "At least I'm still getting some." He grabbed Tweek's ass, making the other boy scowl, before going back to his computer.

Tweek huffed and walked off. That prank wasn't as good as the last one, but…

Indeed, at least Craig was still getting some, and Tweek didn't have AIDS. Or crabs. Or herpes.

He hoped.


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